My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
