I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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