I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
