I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
