Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
