I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
