shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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