come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
