I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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