Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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