i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
