I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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