I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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