the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
