so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
