I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
