i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
