your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
