too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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