I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We are all done wearing pants today
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
