So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
