watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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