we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
