I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My ass is underappreciated
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
