I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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