Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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