when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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