her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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