Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
