After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
