remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
