Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
