is your mom at the bar?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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