She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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