What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
