i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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