I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
