Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
