Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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