i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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