We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
What changed your mind?
Being sober
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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