I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
