The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
