Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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