I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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