I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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