Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
