Michael Bay diarrhea
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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