I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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