"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
