At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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