It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
