capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
