Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
